Thursday, March 26, 2009
I dream of a place where there is complete silence…
a quiet place where time stands still
and my own inner voice is the only one that speaks.
I wish of joyful remembrance of all things good
and warm and bright, and reflective celebration
of everything I’ve been through
that brought me to today.
I wish of a peaceful closure
of that which needs it,
and a letting go
of things that only my heart knows…
And at the close of my day,
I wish of vibrant dreams
of the paths I have yet to travel….
…they are many and long,
all deliciously unknown
and ripe with possibility.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Does Love Fade?
I would like to share this story to all who come across this page. This is a case of a wife who thought that because she doesn't feel the spark of romance in their marriage anymore, their love is also fading away and thus, divorce is the only option...what does it takes to win the argument that love remains even when excitement fades away???
"My husband is an engineer by profession, I love him for his steady
nature, and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad
Three years of courtship and now, two years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.
I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feeling, I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband is my complete opposite, his lack of sensitivity, and the ability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love. One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.
"Why?" he asked, shocked. "I am tired; there are no reasons for everything in the world!" I answered.
He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thought with a lighted cigarette at all times.
My feeling of disappointment only increased, here was a man who can't even express his predicament, what else can I hope from him?
And finally he asked me, "What can I do to change your mind?" Somebody said it right, it's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.
Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered: "Here is the question, if you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind, let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death, will you do it for me?"
He said: "I will give you my answer tomorrow..." My hopes just sank by listening to his response. Woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes...
My dear, "I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain the reasons further."
The first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading...
"When you use the computer, you always mess up the software programs, and you cry in front of the screen, I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs." You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you. You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city ; I have to save my eyes to show you the way. You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month, I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy. You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.
You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good to your eyes, I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails, and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand... and tell you the color of flowers, just like the color of the glow on your young face...
Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet and die.
My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting...and as I continue reading..."Now that you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk..." I rush to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread...
Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone..."
That's life and love. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness. Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the dullest and boring form, flowers and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands... that's our life... love, not words win arguments.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Bitter Sweet Refrain
In spite of how much it aches that you are just a dream, it is so wonderful to be in love. My imagination runs occupied with thoughts of us and all our plans and dreams. I always picture us together, the way we look at each other, the way we would talk to each other and the way we would hold each other. I always imagine the meaning of your look and the feel of your touch and I always smile when I think of how much we will understand each other when we are finally together. I imagine us not even having to talk to communicate to each other. When we are together you just make me feel so happy. I love belonging to you, I love the feeling that we belong together and I love you knowing I belong to you.
Do you have any concept as to how much I love you? I know you can't answer that just as I can't answer you every time you ask me if I know how much you love me...because we have no concept of how big our love for each other. It is just so much and it hurts so much to not be able to hold you anytime I need to, but even if I hold you it will never be close enough. It aches, it hurts, it brings such good feelings and such painful ones, it is so bright and yet blurry at others, so filled with hope and then frustrating. I see us walking into the sunset together, but sometimes the brightness of the sun blots you out and there is only me and then I miss you so so badly, so despairingly badly. I long to hear your voice telling me that you love me.
Today as I'm hitting balls in the driving range the sky was cloudy & dreary, but not very cold. The wind was not painful but it seemed to rip through my clothes and chilled me to the bone. But the colors of the sunset in our painting as I watched you made that first ever golf swing is so rich in my mind. The thought made me feel so good and made me feel how happy our life will be when we finally are together.
It was twilight as I was leaving Clifton. The drive on the way home was so gorgeous. How I wish you were here with me to share the sight and to enjoy it with me. That reminds me of another image that crosses my mind when I think of how close we will be…when we are at home together, will you describe to me the colors of the rainbow in our horizon when we are in our 70's and I can't see that far anymore??
How is it that you've touched all these feelings that I thought I have forgotten? How is it that love can be so happy and so painful at the same time? How is it that so suddenly I need someone when I thought I could live alone? How is it that I will allow anyone to be this close as to make me so vulnerable? How is it that I can only think that we will last a lifetime? How is it that when I think of someone to grow old with, there is only one person in my mind to the exclusion of all others? How is it that anything can be as essential to me as you and me has become? How????... And why???? And as these questions swirl through my mind, no answers ever come....only the endless refrain that gives my world another dimension, "I love you, I need you, I miss you." And with that refrain, the sadness and the longing.
Posted by Amie at 7:00:00 PM 3 comments
Labels: loneliness, longing, loving you, questions
Saturday, March 14, 2009
My Life's Summit
How is it that I remember things too easily forgotten:
The purity of early passion,
The maturity of unselfish love that asks and
desires -- nothing but another's good,
The love that will persist through all the
tempest of life.
How is it that I found a quiet assurance, an inner peace,
in the core of my being
I can face the doubt, the loneliness, the anxiety,
I can face realities and can even grow
from these challenges to my essential being.
How is it that I can sense my basic humanity,
My life becomes richer and more full
And springs within me the well of life that flows,
With greater trust and joy, with more profound love
And yet more calmly with purpose and meaning.
How is it that I know how much life has given me:
The history of the race, friends and family,
The opportunity to grow, the chance to build myself
a bountiful beauty i found within the deepest part of my soul.
How is it that a very special one who's own path had found me
Love's high, I couldn't have found it if I had tried
You see how simply profound this thing called love
belonging only to you and me one of a kind, forever...
After few days of being down, I finally manage to bounce back and be myself again-- happy, inspired, energetic and in love.
We all have stress in our lives. Sometimes that stress is intense and other times it exists at a low hum just as a back drop to our everyday activities. Certain situations can cause us to feel stressed such as; challenges in a relationship, job pressure, death of a friend or ailing health of a loved one.
I did some kind of soul searching and re evaluate my life– what I really want and what caused my feelings to get down. One of the reasons is because I have kept many issues inside of me and didn’t want to talk about it hoping my mind will process them and maybe they won't bother me anymore.
But pent up emotions causes stress. Some psychologists would also argue that repressed feelings can lead to anxiety and depression. Either way, I’ve realized that I need to express my emotion. If I don't I feel lonely, frustrated and restless
I feel that it is not always possible or practical to vent my feelings though. I may rant and rave to a friend, but this might be boring to them.
Writing down our thoughts has been known to be therapeutic, and this to me is indeed true. My only problem is that I will never get to air those thoughts to anyone else. That is where the Internet comes in.
I feel that blogs are a great way to share my feelings, whether they are positive or I am just venting about something that is making me sad or upset. Viewing and posting on blogs is relaxing to me!
When I am angry, upset, or stressed I can tell the world about it in a blog. Get it off my chest, rant and rave as much as I like. People can support me, or argue back with me, prompting me to get negative thoughts out of my system!
I feel like I can let go of myself and just write whatever I feel and do whatever I like! Here I can be me...This is my space to think and speak!
Posted by Amie at 11:42:00 AM 3 comments
Labels: bouncing back, inspiration
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
I wonder if any of you out there had felt the way I am feeling right now. I feel like I have everything and yet I am longing for something I don't know what. One thing I know, I am feeling down right now.
I am an expressive person, and I write what I feel and think.
Lately, I cannot find the emotion to inspire me to write. But I am trying to find the love I have in putting into words my thoughts to describe all that I feel in writing.
Right now, I’m finding it hard just to write about what I feel, what I think and what I want… I am at a loss for words that could best describe the state I am in.
This momentary hiatus is maybe a result of so many concerns back home that I need to take care of from 13,000 miles away and the many questions I have that I could not find any answer. And in my doubts, comes the resolve to keep everything to myself. I lost the need to express myself, my ideas are so vague and my view so obscured.
I am patient but my strength causes me to weaken as I experience the anxiety of waiting..
I am optimistic but the future looks far as time is running away, slowly slipping away from me…
But I have faith which keeps me on top of everything…
The faith that overcomes what the physical realm presents before me and whatever that lies beyond…
for my faith let me see in the darkness, allows me to listen in the stillness and permits me to love in uncertainty
Faith that allows me to continue to have hope, to believe, to wait, to dream and desire that which keeps my heart beating…
And so here I am, trying to rise above frustrations, fear, and emptiness… striving to climb above the mist of loneliness, struggling to ascend the haze of doubts… standing with my faith to back me up against all that pushes me down…
The faith that I have right now is more than enough for me to continue with this battle…
I will have a song in the night and I will not feel alone anymore…
I know that this is just for a moment, this will come to pass…
Posted by Amie at 6:59:00 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
I had a long and sad phone conversation with my sister this afternoon, she had a depressing news. Delia died, she was buried last Sunday.
Who is Delia-
She used to work for me when I was still in my hometown GenSan. She was married and had a son so she comes to the house 3 times a week to do my laundry. She has been working for more than a year with me when one afternoon she approached me and asked me if she could stay in the house. Her husband had brought home a woman and drove her away. She was with her 2 year old son. My heart was moved with so much pity and at the same time so angry with her husband. How could a b--tard who could hardly support his wife and son has the nerve to bring home a mistress and drive his family away. And Delia's response was "sige na lang ma'am pasagdan na lang nako sila kay dili ko gusto ug gubot" ( it's ok ma'am, I won't bother them anymore cause I don't want troubles). Although in my mind, I completely cannot process this kind of reaction to such un forgivable act, I accepted her and her son to live in my house...
For how many days after Delia moved to my house, I knew she was devastated. when you look at her, she looked like someone who has descended into the black pit of despair, the hatchet spirit inside her slashed away and struck down anything about herself that she could ordinarily treasure or value. I knew that secretly she spent many of her time in anguish: crying, feeling totally unloved, finding reason to stay alive.
I discovered that at 22, washed up on a far shore of abusive and unfulfilling relationship that reawakened her still unhealed abused childhood ( her father was an alcoholic) Delia had been through all the pains and hardships that I could ever imagine. She got married at 16 and lost her first child to bronchitis when she was 2. At a tender age of 8 she has been a defenseless recipient of her father's abuses. He became violent after their mother's death because their father could not accept it. He would physically harm her and her younger brothers and sisters every time he was drunk. She showed me the big scar on her forehead as a result of one of those abuses. One night her father got home very drunk and asked her to give him water and when she was not able to give it right away because she was eating, he grabbed her, threw her on the floor but she hit the edge of the bench instead. I was crying when she told me that she had to take care of herself at that moment. She was profusely bleeding but did not ask help from anybody because her younger siblings were just too scared. She told me so many accounts of her father's abuses that I could not even put into words here. But she gained my admiration, she might be abused and broken physically but she has that very brave spirit. To be able to survive all those abuses or even stay alive up to that day requires profound inner strength. It is just unimaginable for human being to be able to inflict such cruelty to another human so much more if it was his child. As parents we are supposed to protect our children and make sure that they are not harmed. In Delia's case ( and other children abused by their parents) who can they turn to? I can imagine there is nowhere for them to feel safe if the parents who are suppose to guard them and whom they trust their lives with, are the ones hurting them.
She said she got married at a very young age to escape from her father. She said Elmer was so in love with her and promised her he would never hurt her. But at 16 how would she know what real love is? What surprised me was the love that she was capable of giving. When her father was dying of lung cancer, she was the one who had stayed beside him up to his last breath. When the man she had put all her trust betrayed her, she didn't stop loving him...she was crushed but she had hoped that they would be together in the end. Broken marriage is traumatic. It is more like a death than anything else and when you are the one cheated, it is overwhelming. So I did understand what Delia was going through. I knew that talking to me about her ordeal would make it bearable for her. I was just a listener...
Delia's dream came true when eight months later, her husband came to the house and Delia told me he was there to bring her and their son back home. I could tell she was elated, I knew that any discouragement from me would be futile; besides I didn't wanna be a "kill-joy" in that moment.
After she and her husband got back together, she still came to the house to do my laundry, the last time she was at the house was 2 days before we left for the States. She was not feeling well, she has fever and she was coughing so I told her to just rest. I told her that was her last day because we were leaving..She cried and told me she would miss us very much and she had hope that I would still take her when I go back to GenSan. I didn't know that was the last time I will ever see Delia.
There are so many thoughts running through my head right now...I am thinking about Arnel his son. I hope his father will take care of him. I know how Delia loved him. He was the reason why his mother has tried to live when she would have wanted to die. Someday, I will tell Arnel how his mother love him and how she had wanted to give him a good future and a full life she never had...
I will surely miss Delia.
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