Friday, January 28, 2011

The Beauty Of Snow

Snow falls this year has been a lot less worse than last year, at least where we live. So far this year Virginia had two bad ones, the latest was the other day. There was power outage in our area and we experienced sixteen hours with no power. I went outside the house to watch the falling snow. It was wonderful to get to appreciate its beauty -- wet and heavy and hanging on the trees, blanketing the houses and lawns. It is hard to capture in a picture, but I tried to work with my camera to get these photos:

I took these photos from the deck the following morning. It was so awesome to behold the early morning sun kissing and melting the snow!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Embracing This Life

At some point in our lives, we will encounter experience that will change us forever. Every experience affects us in some way. The resulting effects can be too small to be relevant, but there are those that can change our lives drastically. Some are good, bad, or a combination of both. To some extent, it might lead us to do drastic decisions in order to adjust or adapt to those changes. A few days after New Year I had that life altering moment. Because of that situation I was in, I found myself re-evaluating my life and my priorities. I realized that I had been caught up and very busy living for the future that I failed to recognize the loopholes and flaws of the present. The way I live my life has always been guided by the principle that, if you realized you're not living the life you've planned, instead of being panicked, consider it to be a blessing in disguise. You may discover that by losing what you thought you wanted, instead you find freedom and have a chance to be more happy. No matter how old we get, life still serves us up unexpected challenges that cause age old reactions or opportunities to look beyond the map, and see the territory ahead. Upon closer examination, I recognized that I had been living my life racing through the countryside of my existence, failing to treasure some of the sweet, subtle nuances and gems along the way. Having said that,there will be changes in this site from this day on. Part of my plan is to write a post on a regular basis capturing not just extraordinary moments of life but all the things that truly makes life colorful, exciting and challenging. I won't wait till I have big things to talk about. I will also start writing about my new experiences at work, my interaction with people. I've had many life experiences. The most important lesson I've learned from them is to keep growing and moving forward. Nothing in life is permanent so regardless of what w've been through or what awaits in the future, the most important thing is to keep standing on our feet and not to lose our way and never stop loving! As my favorite quote goes: "A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave." Through it all, I came to understand the true PhD of life is the one who learns to be nimble, adept, unattached to outcomes and all greased with a healthy sense of humor.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Bitter, Sweet Refrain

Hi Baby, you asked me to write these thoughts for you. I know you're still hurting but feeling better everyday. As I have said, everything will be alright. Sometimes we find ourselves at the bottom of the wheel but life is a continuous cycle. Just work your way, take one day at a time and things will fall into places again. Just remember where the crossroads are and make sure to be extra careful the next time you make a turn so you won't find yourself in the same road again...

In spite of how much it aches that you are just a dream now, it was so wonderful to be in love. I used to spend my days thinking of how our mornings would start and my mind used to run occupied with thoughts of us. I always picture us together, the way we would look at each other, the way we would talk to each other and the way we would hold each other. I always imagine the meaning of your look and the feel of your touch and I always smile when I think of how much we  understood each other. I imagine us not even having to talk to communicate to each other. When we were together we were just so happy. I loved belonging to you, I loved the feeling that we belong together and I loved you knowing I belong to you.

Do you have any concept as to how much I love you? You couldn't answer that just as there is no answer to all the questions I asked--just silence and more silence...You have no concept of how truly I wished for us to be together forever. It hurts so much to not be able to hold you anymore, but even if I hold you it will never be close enough. It aches, it hurts, it brings such good feelings and such painful ones, it used to be so bright and now so blurry, that I couldn't see anything. It used to be so filled with hope and then it became so frustrating. I saw us walking into the sunset together, but then the brightness of the sun blots you out and there is only me and then I miss you so so badly, so despairingly badly. I long to hear your voice telling me that you love me. Then I realized that all were just dreams and bunches of broken promises that you never meant anyone of them.

Today as I was standing outside our office I could see the sky was cloudy & dreary, and cold. The wind was painful that it seemed to rip through my clothes and chilled me to the bone. But the colors of the sunset in our painting was so glorious, I almost thought it was real. The thought made me feel so good and made me feel happy even for just that one moment.

It was twilight as I was leaving work. The drive on the way from work was so gorgeous and I was listening to smooth jazz cd that was playing on my car stereo. How I wish you were there with me to share the sight and enjoy that music with me. These are images that cross my mind when I think of how close we were then. How is it that all these feelings that I thought I have forgotten suddenly coming back to haunt me? How is it that love can be so happy and so painful at the same time? How is it that so suddenly I need someone when I thought I could live alone? How is it that I had allowed anyone to be this close as to make me so vulnerable? How could I be such a fool to only think that we would last a lifetime? How is it that when I think of someone to grow old with, there is only one person in my mind to the exclusion of all others? How is it that anything could be as essential to me as you and I has become only to end up as if we never knew each other? How????... And why???? And as these questions swirld through my mind, no answer ever came....only the endless refrain that gives my world another dimension, "I love you, I need you, I miss you." And with that refrain, the sadness and the longing.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Gone Away

I just finished composing this poem today:
Beneath the smile i put upon my face
Inside is a dying and broken soul
For every laughter and every kiss
It's all gone, it's the end for you and me

Yesterday our love was hot like summer
It was like a fire that burns and consumes
Today it's as chilly as the winds of winter
Your soft touch used to caress my hair 
Now everything hurts, everything just hurts

Gone are the days when we used to laugh and smile
Those are gone, taken by the ghost of coldness
For there is no more us, no more you and me
cold...silent...still and dark like starless night

I can only imagine you and me together
but all there is now are memories 
for everything has entirely vanished
it is lost, nowhere, it has gone into smoke

I can no longer turn back the hands of time
nor I can hold back the tears I have been keeping
or freeze the moment of romance and love
i just have to look back on the days we were happy

finally I came to my senses, I tried so hard!
that as i sleep the night and wake up each morning
there is no longer you to keep me warm at night
You're gone from my life, when we uthered that word