Monday, March 16, 2009
In spite of how much it aches that you are just a dream, it is so wonderful to be in love. My imagination runs occupied with thoughts of us and all our plans and dreams. I always picture us together, the way we look at each other, the way we would talk to each other and the way we would hold each other. I always imagine the meaning of your look and the feel of your touch and I always smile when I think of how much we will understand each other when we are finally together. I imagine us not even having to talk to communicate to each other. When we are together you just make me feel so happy. I love belonging to you, I love the feeling that we belong together and I love you knowing I belong to you.
Do you have any concept as to how much I love you? I know you can't answer that just as I can't answer you every time you ask me if I know how much you love me...because we have no concept of how big our love for each other. It is just so much and it hurts so much to not be able to hold you anytime I need to, but even if I hold you it will never be close enough. It aches, it hurts, it brings such good feelings and such painful ones, it is so bright and yet blurry at others, so filled with hope and then frustrating. I see us walking into the sunset together, but sometimes the brightness of the sun blots you out and there is only me and then I miss you so so badly, so despairingly badly. I long to hear your voice telling me that you love me.
Today as I'm hitting balls in the driving range the sky was cloudy & dreary, but not very cold. The wind was not painful but it seemed to rip through my clothes and chilled me to the bone. But the colors of the sunset in our painting as I watched you made that first ever golf swing is so rich in my mind. The thought made me feel so good and made me feel how happy our life will be when we finally are together.
It was twilight as I was leaving Clifton. The drive on the way home was so gorgeous. How I wish you were here with me to share the sight and to enjoy it with me. That reminds me of another image that crosses my mind when I think of how close we will be…when we are at home together, will you describe to me the colors of the rainbow in our horizon when we are in our 70's and I can't see that far anymore??
How is it that you've touched all these feelings that I thought I have forgotten? How is it that love can be so happy and so painful at the same time? How is it that so suddenly I need someone when I thought I could live alone? How is it that I will allow anyone to be this close as to make me so vulnerable? How is it that I can only think that we will last a lifetime? How is it that when I think of someone to grow old with, there is only one person in my mind to the exclusion of all others? How is it that anything can be as essential to me as you and me has become? How????... And why???? And as these questions swirl through my mind, no answers ever come....only the endless refrain that gives my world another dimension, "I love you, I need you, I miss you." And with that refrain, the sadness and the longing.