What does it mean to feel realization? For me, it’s less about the things that occupy my life and more the people, at least realization as I have been feeling it lately. Maybe it was being at home most of the time this cold winter but to have none of the requisite image of home that have been needlepointed into my psyche as the proper image of winter snow. You know, to discuss the condition of the roads and that you should stay home and be safe with the person and be at your side through summer days and snow days, and who will actually go out and shovel while you prepare mugs of hot chocolate. Or was this realization just another aspect of loneliness that one feels when you don’t want to be alone and do it all on your own without a crutch or shovel holder to lean on?
Beneath the texture of external things and my nascent thoughts, a current has been running through me like the current in a river that is barely visible but still underlies all. It is sadness and loneliness. Since when something is so hard to identify?. Is this a good thing to be feeling, or would it be better to keep glossing over and pretending that I have such a wonderful life that I don't need anybody to get through any process that I am going through in my life?
Realization, indeed. It’s like the season, it comes, makes its impact, and then disappears.
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