Friday, January 14, 2011

Bitter, Sweet Refrain

Hi Baby, you asked me to write these thoughts for you. I know you're still hurting but feeling better everyday. As I have said, everything will be alright. Sometimes we find ourselves at the bottom of the wheel but life is a continuous cycle. Just work your way, take one day at a time and things will fall into places again. Just remember where the crossroads are and make sure to be extra careful the next time you make a turn so you won't find yourself in the same road again...

In spite of how much it aches that you are just a dream now, it was so wonderful to be in love. I used to spend my days thinking of how our mornings would start and my mind used to run occupied with thoughts of us. I always picture us together, the way we would look at each other, the way we would talk to each other and the way we would hold each other. I always imagine the meaning of your look and the feel of your touch and I always smile when I think of how much we  understood each other. I imagine us not even having to talk to communicate to each other. When we were together we were just so happy. I loved belonging to you, I loved the feeling that we belong together and I loved you knowing I belong to you.

Do you have any concept as to how much I love you? You couldn't answer that just as there is no answer to all the questions I asked--just silence and more silence...You have no concept of how truly I wished for us to be together forever. It hurts so much to not be able to hold you anymore, but even if I hold you it will never be close enough. It aches, it hurts, it brings such good feelings and such painful ones, it used to be so bright and now so blurry, that I couldn't see anything. It used to be so filled with hope and then it became so frustrating. I saw us walking into the sunset together, but then the brightness of the sun blots you out and there is only me and then I miss you so so badly, so despairingly badly. I long to hear your voice telling me that you love me. Then I realized that all were just dreams and bunches of broken promises that you never meant anyone of them.

Today as I was standing outside our office I could see the sky was cloudy & dreary, and cold. The wind was painful that it seemed to rip through my clothes and chilled me to the bone. But the colors of the sunset in our painting was so glorious, I almost thought it was real. The thought made me feel so good and made me feel happy even for just that one moment.

It was twilight as I was leaving work. The drive on the way from work was so gorgeous and I was listening to smooth jazz cd that was playing on my car stereo. How I wish you were there with me to share the sight and enjoy that music with me. These are images that cross my mind when I think of how close we were then. How is it that all these feelings that I thought I have forgotten suddenly coming back to haunt me? How is it that love can be so happy and so painful at the same time? How is it that so suddenly I need someone when I thought I could live alone? How is it that I had allowed anyone to be this close as to make me so vulnerable? How could I be such a fool to only think that we would last a lifetime? How is it that when I think of someone to grow old with, there is only one person in my mind to the exclusion of all others? How is it that anything could be as essential to me as you and I has become only to end up as if we never knew each other? How????... And why???? And as these questions swirld through my mind, no answer ever came....only the endless refrain that gives my world another dimension, "I love you, I need you, I miss you." And with that refrain, the sadness and the longing.

1 comment:

Pinoy Teacher in Memphis said...

I love the way you wrote this poignant remembrance of a lost love. My hope is that next time will be near perfect. Not perfect because we are still all flawed and frail. But as near perfect as love between a man and a woman could be.