Monday, August 9, 2010
They're still devoted to each other as they move to their 70's, which fills me with wonder...I used to ask myself, do I have to wait that long? I am just in my 40's.
After my separation 13 years ago, I have been single and had become really used to it. I did try to be in a relationship and got engaged but it turned out to just reinforced my whimsical notion that men are by nature polygamous and mostly unfaithful and I just couldn't take the risk of being so hurt again so I decided to call it quits 2 months before our planned wedding and three years into that relationship.
I love my life, and my daughters and our baby Arielle are my inspirations. I would do anything for them. and every day I'm grateful for good health and what I see as a fortunate life. But sometimes I ached for a partner to check in with, talk, snuggle, grow spiritually with and love that will last forever. I was resigned to the myth i virtually created in my mind that in my 40's after a broken marriage, and a relationship grounded on good friendship that I thought was special and would last a lifetime inspite of the fact that it's always vulnerable, such love may be behind me. I sometimes wonder if true love happens because of luck, karma, or accident. Or if I will ever find it again.
What surprised me was the fact that I was not afraid of the possibility of growing old alone anymore. I relished my independence and had come to terms with the fact that I might never find that special someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. At the same time, I've done inner work that enabled me to feel worthy of true love, and be loved and accepted unconditionally as I am. At this point of my life I would only only be in a relationship where I am loved as much as I love that person. I won't settle for less. And if I don't find this in this lifetime I will still grow old gracefully, fulfilled and grateful for the many blessings God has given me...
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