I love silence. often do my writing when it is quiet and I am all alone with my thoughts. My mind is like a river continuously flowing when spent in silence, calm and harmony.
From the depths of my solitude, so many thoughts finally have a chance to bubble up. Thoughts and feelings that are not able to come in the open amidst the clatter at work and everyday life.
Out of this silence, I heard my heart's whispering...I miss my family in Gensan. My mother is going through a major operation of both eyes today. The last time we talked, she sounded so scared to go through operation. I think she's scared of the possibility that she might not be able to see again aside from other complications that the doctors told her. She was supposed to be operated last month but her blood pressure was high so her doctors have to wait for her blood pressure to get normal before they could proceed with the process. I feel sad that I am not there in this scary moment in her life. She just turned 73 last November 18 and the older she gets, the more she makes me feel that she needed her children to be near her if not around her. She would always brand me as being the vagabond among her children. It breaks my heart every time she tells me that they only have few years left in this life and yet I chose to live 13,000 miles away from them. I love my family so dearly. And it is hard to be separated from them. But our parents taught us early in life to be free and independent. And they have taught really well.
All of this takes me to today. I miss the warmth and love of my big family. I miss the camaraderie of my friends. I miss baby Arielle and I wish I could watch her learn new things while growing up. I miss my Bingo Bango golf buddies. I miss kinilaw na tuna. I miss manggang hilaw with bagoong. I miss Durian. I miss the sun and the beach...
Yes, I miss the feeling of familiarity and everything about the city of my birth. But my life is here in the US now. I am happy and blessed to be here and there's nowhere in the world that I wanna be than where I am right now.
So confusing to be sad and happy at the same time. I know I will overcome. I know I am not alone. And today I woke up with joy in my heart but still missing home.