It has been said that those who do not remember the past are destined to forget it. And so we all have past that we choose to remember and there are those that we don't want to forget. One needs to be, remembering the past as a means to shaping the future. They're connected. I can imagine the future like I remember the past. I am defined by my entire life. In between the past and the future are changes. Although sometimes, changes that we have to go through may be difficult, they are pivotal moments in what will become the history of our lives. They will lead us in finding the true meaning and purpose of our life.
Going through changes is part of being alive and are inevitable. Trials come when you least expect them. And that was exactly, what had happened to me. I went through life changing moments and painful battle in fighting for my love. The most surprising thing was, I have stayed in that relationship hoping that someday, the effort and the struggles I went through to keep the marriage will be recognized. Ten years passed and things just got bad to worst.
At 34, washed up on the far shore of an intense, profound relationship that awakened negative feelings about myself because of the circumstances I was in, I found myself totally lost from any connection to the deep knowing places within me. Much of that disconnectedness came from years of my contradicting their messages and cutting myself off from their truths as I talked myself out of recognizing the damage I was doing to myself in a stressful relationship. (Damage that, from this distance of time and growing, I still wonder if they were absolutely necessary prelude to the process of changing my life.) Before that unfulfilling relationship, I had never "lost myself" nor known either the depth or the source of the self-doubt in my otherwise self-accepting and self-valuing life.
During those times in the black pit of despair, the "hatchet lady" inside me slashed away and struck down something about myself that I ordinarily treasured or valued. Each time I would, for some time, be left in profound loneliness, I doubted that maybe all my generally good opinion of myself was based on lies, shams and distorted vision. At 34(!!!), I was dwelling completely in the middle of the deep, dark pit. I was immersed as well in more intense grief than I could have imagined possible; grieving the end of what had been, a profound love that had become a siamese-twin symbiosis that I used to believe was so much worth fighting for.
For years I have struggled alone, to extricate myself from that enmeshment; to let go of the relationship that, born in the only deepest loving relationship I had ever known, had become a prison and torment to me. Except for those hours that I worked (as Regional Operations Manager of a big chain of wholesale/retail company), I spent my time in anguish: crying endlessly, feeling totally devastated, finding no hand holds with which to begin the climb up out of the black hole in which I found myself.
The magic that had always been an integral part of my life had disappeared and I had a hard time reconnecting with it. Yet, somewhere along the way of those years, a glimmer of the old magic brought me to find ways to get out of my misery. I wanted freedom! I also started pursuing things that I enjoy doing and had somehow filled the void I felt inside. I started travelling to different places, I went scuba diving, took my daughters to vacations on summer. It was not too long before I realized that I was more capable of giving myself and not rely on somebody else for my happiness, I can do whatever makes me happy on my terms...at last, I had my freedom!
It was not an overnight journey though. Always and in cycles, there seemed to be some layers rising up into the open space: more old feelings to be felt and released. But unlike the me of-the-past, I no longer need to make sense of the whys and where-froms of these torrents of emotion that overtake me. Sometimes images and memories came with the feelings; sometimes just the inchoate feelings by themselves. Yet, always, given the soft, safe space to be in the midst of their storms, I came through to the other side. There the sun always shines, I felt refreshed and I have more of me to create from. I felt the chest-full-to-bursting, heart singing joy of being in the middle of so much beauty and wonder.
In the midst of the now very far hard times, sometimes I find myself excited about feeling awful - because, in the middle of it all, I know I'm still coming home to the all of me.
The silent voice of "loving myself" behind my mind and it's words and messages, the gentleness and kindness to self that it continually urges, the acceptance of all feelings and all body knowings that I hold so central to all wisdom - these rememberings and celebrations of my woman-self had slowly and gradually transformed me. They've become, through practice, a part of my daily vocabulary for reminding myself that I am a special person. They've transformed my relationship with myself, with my life and with the whole sacred circle of life. No longer whispers in the heart, these messages have become a bone and cell deep thrumming that keeps me whole, alive, expanding and vitally aware of the never ending rivers of magic and wonder in every "ordinary" moment of my life: in my aging 45 year old, temporarily very able body and in all the richness of my feelings, joyous and painful. No matter what mistakes, blunders, "unevolved" feelings, no matter what painful images or memories or painful feelings emerged, I am always reminding myself that they are things of yesterday, they helped me become a strong woman again.
Looking back at the past now, I am so grateful that one day I woke up to see & realized that there's more to life than what I have known. I chose to step out of the prison I helped made for myself and felt the walls became sand beneath my feet.
The whole "coming-out-in-the-world" process has been delightful, magical, playful and exciting. It all comes with total mental decision. The immense energy guides me sweetly and gently in the time, form and direction of each next step. I found other things that makes my life more exciting. I play golf, I travel, I take photos, smell the flowers, feel the air in my nostril, laugh at myself and at the end of the day, I am always giving back all the credits to God who is the Architect of our lives.
In the midst of my busy schedule; pursuing my passions, my life and as mother to 2 wonderful daughters, always there are great stretches of time for rest and stillness. It seems the most profound feeling, this listening in and following the urgings that flow from this discovery and my own deeps. I hope only and always that all unfolds only as fast as the slowest part of me wants to go. And, I will work hard so that the unfolding always happens in harmony with my commitment to live simply and uncomplicated in the "freedom lane", gracefully embracing and be resilient to whatever changes that I may go through in this life.